Everything Happens for a Reason…Or Does It?

I liken this phrase to “God gives you what you can handle”. The first time I heard it was after my grandfather had been diagnosed with lung cancer and my grandmother informed our minister and the congregation about his condition.

I was a pre-teen and remember wondering what exactly that meant. Mind you, our home was not religious by any means. While my grandparents were Christian, faithfully went to church and participated in church events, home was merely a safe landing and one that was normal in my eyes. There were no preaching verses or being told God would not approve or how would God feel about decisions being made. It was a loving, accepting, peaceful home where life kept moving forward.

Fast forward a few years and still hearing “God gives you what you can handle”, I decided to find out where that saying came from. I learned it is from 1 Corinthians 10:13 – “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it”. Interesting that it became condensed into this phrase when one hears of other’s struggles in life.

Now enters everything happens for a reason. Same sentiment, different words. A non-religious phrase to offer comfort and condolences. A way to express resilience and instill a belief that we are perfectly capable of handling whatever comes our way. But does it really convey comfort to someone newly diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening disease?

I remember, clear as day, how I felt getting my breast cancer diagnosis. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon, and I was at a friend’s house with my girls after school. Watching them giggle and bounce on the trampoline made me feel light-hearted, peaceful and brought a smile to my face. It was a feeling of being care-free and getting lost in my own thoughts. Earlier that week, I had my very first mammogram and had to go back in because of dense breast tissue. More imaging occurred, they took a sample, and I really did not think much of it. I considered myself healthy – ate all of the right, whole foods, worked out on a regular basis, and I even breastfed both of my girls longer than advised because I wanted optimum breast health. So, imagine my surprise when my gynecologist was calling me on this gorgeous California afternoon.

My heart immediately sank, and tears welled up in my eyes. How is this even possible? I’ve done everything right? What the actual f@%!? That moment made me think of my girls. My mother-in-law was diagnosed just a few years before and had a mastectomy on one side. Now my children have an increased potential of developing breast cancer because it is on both sides of their family. Our beloved cat had just passed away from bone cancer, so how could I even use the word cancer to let them know that is what I have? I hung up the phone and started bawling.

Where do I even begin? What do I do? My marriage was failing at the exact same time, and I felt paralyzed. I immediately started calling those close to me to give them the news. I wanted advice, I wanted comfort, I wanted words to tell me that everything was going to be okay.

Everything happens for a reason.

Yes, why yes, it does! My college years were spent studying biology and multiple sciences. That was my jam, my passion. I had removed myself from the church, against grandma’s wishes, because I began to question so much in high school. We are supposed to pray, follow God’s teaching and all will be saved…or at least hope it will play out that way. We did all of that, but grandpa didn’t get any better. I know why he got lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and a building contractor who worked with a lot of asbestos without proper equipment. It boiled down to science, not religion, or faith.

Between hearing “God gives you what you can handle” with my grandfather, and now “everything happens for a reason” with me, I tried really hard to make sense of it all. I began my path of treatment and genetically, I did not possess the genes for breast cancer, so why did I get it? I look back on my life and can see the road that led me to that point. Toxins in our environment, hormones in our food, all of the things to make our lives easier, more appealing, and more convenient. Add on the stress of a marriage falling apart and you have the perfect storm for a cancer cell to wake up and begin to cause chaos.

During that time in my life, I latched onto that phrase. I survived, I persevered, I’m still moving forward and living my life. Cancer gave me purpose to be better. Be more present. Be more aware. Be more appreciative. Cancer was necessary for me to stop in my tracks and evaluate my life. It gave me enough courage to press through what I needed to do for myself and my family. So yes, everything happens for a reason. I even got a bracelet with those words, it became my mantra that I wore daily for years, until I got hit with a recurrence.

When those words were uttered to me again while I was waiting for a treatment plan, I became angry. Everything happens for a reason, huh? Then why is this happening AGAIN?!?! Am I meant to struggle? Does someone have a voodoo doll of me? Is this the universe getting back at me for all of the wrong I’ve done? I was furious!

I am a looper, and not always in a good way, but I backtracked my life and treatments from the very first diagnosis and see how the recurrence happened. Maybe if I was mentally stronger the first time around, I would have advocated more for myself, but that wasn’t the case because of where I was in life. This time around, I made the decision to educate myself, gather my questions and case studies, and be more pro-active with what I was potentially having to face.

It was a few months after my treatment ended that I realized I needed help in the form of therapy, and wanting to learn how to process my traumas and feelings in a healthy way. I needed to be in a mentally better place for myself and my children. That is when I noticed just how powerful perception can be.

As a child, my perception of those words spoken to someone I loved dearly confused me because I couldn’t understand how my hard-working, selfless, loving grandfather, got so sick and had to struggle just to live. The adult in me when I first had those words directed my way was almost empowering. I was scared, but somehow everything happens for a reason gave me the fortitude I needed to go through whatever was thrown my way. Fast-forward to my recurrence and it backfired and made me cringe when I heard the phrase.

Perception.

I no longer wear that bracelet and instead have one that says, ‘I am’. That can be interpreted, and perceived, as many ways as I want!

Does everything happen for a reason? Maybe. But just maybe better words to say to someone newly diagnosed is “I’m here for you”.