A Shadow of My Shadow

Content warning: death and dying

Sept. 30, 2020.
11:30 a.m.

“It’s cancer”

Death

For the last five years,
I have thought
about nothing

but death

death
dying
the act of dying

What you lose in the afterlife

Thoughts,
that’s what you lose

Family, yes
Lovers, sure

But those thoughts—
those anxious
twisted
sad
angry
thoughts—

will no longer smother you

When you die,
you become one
with space and time—

a star among millions
once souls now
explosions of nothingness

I often think about
that nothingness…
…and when it will come for me

***

Oct. 26, 2020.
1 p.m.

“We had to remove
the whole kidney instead”

I had always feared death,
since childhood

A byproduct of Catholicism—

churches are mausoleums
for a faith that mourns itself

I left the church
three decades ago,
but I still carried my fear

a shadow of my shadow

Over time,
I’ve learned to
tuck that fear away

in a box

place it on a shelf
alongside all the
other emotions
I choose to ignore

Sometimes,
I would open that box

Open it and
let my fear
spiral into
fits of madness

Most of the time,
I had it under control

Then cancer came

And my fear of death
became an obsession

***

May 23, 2023.
2:30 p.m.

“We have the results,
and it is cancer”

Same, same,
but different

Cancer again
not a recurrence

Another type
in another part
of my body

And this part
like the other part

this part
of my body
will have to be

removed

***

Dec. 6, 2024.
2:36 p.m.

“The removed polyp
was precancerous.”

Same, same,
almost different

Is it different,
or a different time?

Earlier than
the others

Yet still,
another act
of surveillance

another worry
placed heavy
on my crown

You see,
I had always been
afraid of death,

since I was a child

A shadow
of my shadow

And over time,
I became good at
tucking that fear away

Hiding it alongside
all those other emotions
I choose to ignore

Then cancer came
and came again

and will likely
come again

soon

And my fear of death
has became my normal