Why Not You?

For some people, when they experience a particularly arduous time in life, or when they are dealt a bad hand, so many think “Why me?” “Why did this awful thing happen to me? Why do I have to deal with this hardship? I think this can be traced to the age-old question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” What did I do to deserve this?” Survivor’s guilt is somewhat unique because in my mind it flips that idea on its head; I go from thinking why did this bad thing happen to me to, why did I survive and not others? Sometimes, when you survive and your peers do not, your joy of survival ferments into a special kind of agony.

Guilt is not the best word for it, as I don’t feel responsible for their illness or death, the feeling is a much more complicated mixture of empathy, grief, and anger, and that mixture can be unique for everyone. It almost feels as if I am cheating having cancer, but I didn’t. It’s not fair for me to survive and for others not to; it’s hard for me to reconcile with the injustice in that. For me, survivor’s guilt strikes a chord with my sense of worth. Was my life really worth fighting for? A result of survivor guilt in my everyday life consists of a constant comparison of my life to fellow people with cancer, or anyone who has had to fight for or lost their life at a young age.

I almost feel like I have to work extra hard to make an impact in my life to ensure my survival is worth fighting for. Why do I not value my life as just as worthy of existing as everyone else? I’ve always been afraid to take up space, and perhaps that has extended to my survivor’s guilt. I can tie these emotions to a common occurrence of me not feeling enough; not feeling like my life has impact enough in comparison to others. This can boil down to a major sense of insecurity in my existence. While I was fighting, I didn’t think about survival twice. I just got into survival mode and didn’t question it. Coming out the other side, I find myself questioning all those actions I took.

In the isolation of diagnosis, I sought community through online forums and groups. While these spaces can provide validation, comfort, and connection, it has become increasingly harder to face memorial posts. When I see someone pass away who had the same diagnosis as I do, I see all that they are leaving behind and I can’t help but wonder if it should have been me instead. Everything seems to pale in comparison. Survivor’s guilt is the dark cloud that looms over every cancer friendship. I yearn for connection with other cancer survivors yet, I am terrified to actually form a meaningful relationship because I am so afraid of losing them. Not only am I attempting to elude the grief of losing a dear friend but, I am also trying to avoid the profound sorrow that comes with wondering if and wishing that things had gone the other way around.

Combatting this mindset has been a difficult hurdle to clear. My journey in coming to terms with my survival started with the validation of my existence from another person battling cancer. I was sharing my experience with this person and expressing similar sentiments as I do here. Their response was what enabled me to evolve my thought process. Our conversation essentially went as such:

“Why did I survive and not someone with a real life, someone with children, with influence, with purpose?”
“Well, why not you?”

They continued their response by sharing the sentiment that, in surviving, I give others hope that they will survive too.

This same theme echoed once again about five months later when the spots in my lungs previously thought to have been benign were confirmed to be metastasized rectal cancer and I progressed to stage 4. My Oncologist mentioned how my case being stage 4 makes things trickier to go for a cure but then she followed with the exact words “Why not you (r case)?” It was like she knew the exact words I needed to hear to understand that the continued fight I have to face will all be worth it in the end.

I’m not entirely sure why but, for some reason there was more weight for me and more validation when I heard those critical words “Why not you?” from fellow survivors/fighters or medical teams. So, if that is the same case for you then let me be the one to say why not you? Your existence is not measured by impact or worth. It isn’t fair that you or I survived, and others didn’t, but William Goldman has a pertinent line in The Princess Bride that says “Life isn’t fair, it’s just fairer than death. That’s all.” Coming to terms with survivor’s guilt is understanding the truth in that unfairness and learning to accept it.