To All of the People I’ve Been Before

To little me:

You’re going to do big things. I love you and all that you grow up to be.

To high school me:

You were right. I am so sorry that you were right. Things had been too good and too “easy.” You knew something was coming. And it came. I wish I could tell you it passed, but the reality is it likely never will. It is so much harder than you could conceive right now, but you handle it so much better than you could conceive right now. I am proud of us.

To college, prediagnosis me:

Take it all in and enjoy every goddamn moment.

To freshly diagnosed me:

You’re not going to believe me, but things are going to go better than you think they are right now. And you’re going to kick ass. You’ve got this, please believe that.

To the version of me in treatment:

I know things are so hard right now. Harder than you even seem to realize, but it won’t all be easy when treatment is over either. So have sympathy for those who speak about this, even if you can’t fathom it right now. You’ll be just like them soon, and trust me, it’s not easy.

To every single version of me:

I am so sorry for every single dream you have watched die these past couple of years. I am sorry for all of the potential horrific realities you have had to fathom. No 21-year-old should have to contemplate how and where they would like to die and how they want to be honored after, and how they should prepare for it. You don’t deserve this, but you can handle it.

I am so proud of you. We’ve got this.

Love,

You at 22