Dear Cancer, You Won’t Stop Me

Dear Cancer,

I have some choice words for you. I can tell you off or tell you to go somewhere, or say that I hate you. But you’re a smug, stubborn son of a gun and don’t care. I have no choice but to fight you and go to battle. If I don’t, I’ll lose and you win, period. People say, “Oh, you’re so strong, so brave, how do you do it?” I have no choice. If I do nothing, Cancer wins. Game over. So I try and try to win this game. I know people think they are saying comforting things. Heck, I probably would have said those things before thinking it made someone feel better. Now I know better. Now that I’m a member of this exclusive club, no one wants to join.

The best is when people say, “You seem to be handling it well.” What am I supposed to do? Be in the fetal position on the floor or cry in the shower? I did last week, but I’m not going to tell you that. Or when they say, “You got the Cold of Cancers!” Yes, I’m fortunate when it comes to stats and treatment, not everyone with cancer has that comfort, but don’t diminish what I’ve been through. Going through chemo and all the side effects is not like taking cold medicine and lying in bed for a few days. Or when someone says, “My cousin’s husband’s sister had that, she’s fine now.” Well then, maybe I can talk to your cousin’s husband’s sister and have a real conversation about the physical and mental toll cancer takes on a person and how your life doesn’t magically go back to normal after. She may be smiling and look “fine,” but it could have taken her time to get there, or maybe she really isn’t “fine” yet, and that’s okay too.

These emotions hit you in waves. Some days more than others. Some things set you off, a word, phrase, or negative thoughts. Even when treatment is over and it becomes a mental battle more than a physical one.

And all of this physical and mental anguish is all your fault, yeah, YOU Cancer. I was living life just fine before you came along and threw a monkey wrench into it. I had my goals and to-do lists, and you were not a part of any of them.

Alas, you’re a part of my life now. Luckily, you are under control, but I always worry you will come and crash the party again. But I try to go back to living life with a new appreciation and gratitude for it.

My goals and to-do list have changed a bit. Maybe this is a romantic notion, or I have watched too many movies. I’m looking for a way to make my life more meaningful, to leave a mark, and to help others. To take being diagnosed with Cancer and take control of the narrative as much as possible. I blame you for a lot of things, Cancer. But I am not going to let you stop me from living the best life I can, for as long as I can.