Survivorship

A Tribute to my Teammate and Friend

You and me were a team
Found each other when we needed each other most
How are the holidays treating you?
A great opening line
It worked. A new bond formed

When No One’s Around

The COVID-19 pandemic took away a lot of things, but I never thought something else could take away so much more on top of it all. COVID-19 took away celebrating my “dirty 30” birthday with friends and family, and two years of Christmases and New Years. But being diagnosed with cancer DURING a pandemic took away so much more than that. My name is Leigh-Ann, and I am a 31-year-old girl who has a strong love for reading, horses, and hiking. I’m from Barrie, Ontario, Canada, and this is my story.

A Letter of Love

Dear newer Michelle,

STOP. Pause. Please take the time to really listen to what I have to share. Sit down in a quiet spot, in the sun in the backyard, in your favorite chair. Take a deep breath. Ensure you will be afforded peace and quiet so that you really absorb what I am saying and take self-inventory. This letter is a letter of love that I want you to take to heart. 

The Words We Often Use

The longer I endure the diagnosis and treatment of cancer, the more in depth I contemplate the words we often use to describe it: fight, battle, warrior, etc. I’m truly beginning to see that these are all the WRONG words to use.

Fighting implies that there is a winner and a loser. It also implies that with enough strength, strategy, and mental mindset, that cancer will just go away, and you’ll be healed. Spin it the other way, and if your cancer becomes more aggressive, incurable, or terminal then you lost the battle.

I Remember…

I remember when she passed away. (I would like to place the utmost respect on her name and her memory but won’t name names). Her family posted on Instagram the news about her death. She had posted a few days earlier that she was in the hospital being treated for blood clots.

Who He Was

There is a drawing of a small bird that is nestled in my dresser drawer amongst my most treasured memories. I take it out occasionally, sometimes on a particular date and sometimes when a memory whispers for my attention. I never know when the thoughts will come, and years ago, I thought they would eventually fade away; but survivor’s guilt doesn’t choose to be graceful and exit quietly to stage left.

Cancer Does Not Play by the Rules

It can happen to anyone. Cancer does not play by the rules!

In Fall 2020 I was training for an ultra marathon. My goal was ultimately 50 miles! I was rocking it. In October I locked in 175 miles, and 150 miles in November, even though, surprise, I was expecting our fourth child!

Chemo Kitty

Meet Ginger, my chemo kitty. She’s the pet I adopted after swearing I’d never get another pet, after my last cat Xena died a few years ago. Uh-uh. That litter box needing constant cleaning. The pet sitting logistics. That pungent cat food aroma. None of this appealed to me as I was going forward in life and time. But circumstances were different with cancer in the time of COVID.

“E” is for Emotional Intimacy

Cancer has a way of disrupting almost every aspect of a person’s life, including sex. If you’re like most young survivors, you may be struggling with a number of things that can affect how sexual you feel, or whether or not you’re interested in or able to engage in sexual activity. This is totally normal. Sometimes, though, altered sexual routines can also impact a couple’s emotional closeness. If you are in a romantic relationship, it’s important to remember that there are lots of ways to share intimacy that don’t include sex.

Give Yourself Some Credit: Body Image and Self Esteem 

“I am enough.”
“I will live in the present moment.”
“I love the life I am creating.”
“I am in control of my own narrative.”
“I am strong, and that strength isn’t going anywhere.” 

These are all things that I wish I could tell myself on a regular basis—and believe them too. I know the importance of reciting affirmations, and I know it takes time to start believing them. But they still feel ridiculous sometimes.