Survivorship

My Hidden Secret

To those whom I have lost along the way, I honor you. Dwayne. Luca. Sam. Dieter. Isabella.

Anger. Pain. Resentment. Emotions of such high negative value, but the hidden side of being a Cancer Survivor.

What are the thoughts towards what it means to be a Survivor? While my story of Cancer began in February of 2020, with a radical orchiectomy (removal of testicle and surrounding tissue), I’ve known Cancer my entire life.

The Weight of Living

It was a beautiful sunny day when I found out she had passed.

I was just becoming accustomed to a new tradition—stopping for gas station hot chocolate. It was a ritual I had begun after starting physical therapy to regain use of my right arm after the three surgeries I had.

Three Fewer Friends

Oftentimes, people who have experienced cancer know that with a diagnosis comes feelings of major guilt. All types of guilt. The guilt of feeling like a burden on those surrounding you, not being able to work, not having energy to do what you used to be able to, and being physically and mentally unable to do anything other than stare at a television or the wall. For me, one of the worst types of guilt is survivor’s guilt.

Cancer Meets Console

In 2019, I picked up a Nintendo Switch as an early birthday present for myself. I got it in the summer, anticipating to mainly use it when a new Pokemon game comes out in the following Fall. I barely used it until December of that same year, when I actually got into Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the first time, years after the game’s actual release.

Words Matter

Words matter.

The problem is that most people don’t really know what to say.

When I got diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 35, I quickly learned that when people are at a loss for words, they revert to the old clichés.

Healing Words that Hurt

In some wars, siblings fight each other

With cancer, imposed means fight more within the body—an external-internal “battle” and for me, one I did not incite

As for a journey—I navigate different terrains of treatments and prospects, allergies and side effects that require not so much bravery as (half) indifferent perseverance

What a Thief

Cancer is a thief. It steals away time, happiness, relationships, experiences, and energy. Prior to my diagnosis of grade III RELA+ Anaplastic Ependymoma, I experienced what we now know were absence seizures. When my seizures started, they were only about 20 seconds or so in length, and they only occurred a couple of times a week.

Words Are Individualized

These words and phrases often refer to people with cancer diagnoses and their experiences. Unfortunately, no consensus exists on the best language to describe people facing cancer. 

The language that individuals describe is as different as the individuals diagnosed. While we accept the differences in patients’ physical, emotional, and support needs, there is little to no empathy, compassion, awareness, or care about how someone wants to be described. 

The Myriad of Platitudes

I was watching TV when a commercial came on for one of those “Exposed to [THING]? Money has been set aside for victims of [whatever cancer]! CALL US TODAY!”—then the commercial proceeded to show images of gray-haired old men and just talked about how being exposed to whatever might cause cancer.

The High School Swimmer Turned Cancer Patient

I was on my high school swim team until my fourth cancer diagnosis on November 26, 2018, and until this past November, I wore my swim team sweatshirt all the time. One day last fall I picked it up to put it on and something stopped me.