Dear Cancer, I am Making Ashlynne Proud

Dear Cancer,

I always wondered what I would say to you, if given the chance. I had it all planned out in my head, the hatred I had for you, the anger. I have sat down to write just to delete it, and write it again. Over and over again not knowing what to say. You took everything from me, my daughter, her name was Ashlynne. Ashlynne was 18 years old and the most beautiful soul, she was just starting her life when you stole her away.

I became a person no one recognized because of you. I didn’t only lose my beautiful daughter, I lost myself as a person. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. My children lost a mom, a mom they still don’t know who she is. I lost friends I have known most of my life. I lost a future with all my plans, a future that doesn’t include Ashlynne. I wanted to die, life as I knew it was gone and I didn’t understand what was the point of living it.

In spite of everything you took from me, in some small dark, twisted way I also want to thank you, in a way cancer saved my daughter. She didn’t want to die anymore, she wanted to live, so she could fight. She wanted to advocate for herself and for others. You gave me a best friend in my daughter. You taught me how fragile life can be, how to look at the world differently. I have the ability to take care of people in a way I didn’t think possible. I see beauty in the world, I have my daughter to thank for that. I want to live, live a life that makes Ashlynne proud, that makes me proud of who I am. And I won’t let you take that too.