White Flag

Register to hear Sanjana read her story live at our upcoming Perkatory event on April 9th at 7pm ET.

He walked in greeting me with a hello… as if he was waiting to meet me.
And it began
Can I go over your story?
My story?
I was familiar
I had scribed in gyn oncology at a top institution
I’m familiar
I know this
I know what happened
The course, the aggressive treatment, the rare complication, the hospitalization
I know
He reads it
Yes I say confirming
Yes – again affirming
Yes- my voice climbs with each yes
A valve releases
And cold clear cleansing tears
Are pulled upwards
From the center of my depths
Like from a well, a healing well
He sees my tears
He sees my fragile frame seated in the wheelchair
He sees me this defenseless
And all I feel is the renewal of water
All I cannot believe I lived through
That was me
I made it to shore
I’m here
You’re here
I’m safe
She was tearful at times during her visit today… you would document
You gave me grace
Even when you didn’t know what to say
Even when my pain and all your patients probably weigh on you more than we ever wanted to burden you
I respect you so much
For allowing me to put this much weight in your hands
So I said yes
Yes to all that was accurately documented
Yes to your role in my healing or to weather sorrow and uncertainty
Yes to allowing you to treat me if you need to
Yes to showing what I’m made of in moments like this
Yes to exposure, and yes to risk
Yes to compliance and yes to listening to my own instincts
Yes you are my doctor now
I cried within seconds of meeting you
As if I had waited to do just that
Yes, yes, yes
Your mere presence, my surrender
You gave me permission to say yes
You witnessed me saying yes to myself
I had been through a tremendous amount in the last few weeks, you charted
You are very thin… because of all you’ve been through you told me
But what you did without words
Planted a seed
Of hope
Light in darkness
Of medicine more potent than chemotherapy
At least to my soul
That I was worthy of life again
That I would wave a white flag over my body
Mirroring your compassion