The Emotions of Cancer

Let’s begin by listing the emotions that I have experienced since diagnosis. Before diagnosis, I was a quiet girl, never said much, kept to myself. Upon diagnosis, I became scared, fearful and disenchanted with life and everyone around me. I felt as though I was cheated and wronged, robbed of a life that was not supposed to be mine.

I was not in agreement with this happening to me at an early stage in my life but then I realized that I am only a human being, not a spiritual one, oops! Who am I to judge anyone or make demands? Whilst I was angry with the world, I needed to accept things for what they are now. What really surprised me was the other people’s reactions towards my cancer diagnosis. When I informed my closest friends, I was so disappointed by their behavior. Whilst they were shocked, they didn’t handle it very well.

I guess I expected better from them. I needed emotional support more than physical and financial help. So, while they were processing the news, I secretly had to deal with the cancer by myself, so not cool! I was surprised but I learnt my lesson in life.

My variety of emotions range from sadness to loneliness to depression. Upon hearing the diagnosis, I felt sad, real sadness. The pain stemmed from my heart, and I couldn’t think straight. I hated my life for a very long time, but this was the last straw for me. I couldn’t handle the truth, but I was stuck with it. I kept wishing for a quick solution, but nothing came to mind. I had to deal with the pain and suffering head on. So, I decided to keep to myself for a little while. Unfortunately, I had to cut people off, but I needed space and time to process everything.

While everyone offered great advice, I guess I was going through a mental breakdown. I had to seek counseling to process all my emotions and fears. Mind you, it was the best decision that I ever made. You know there is a horrible fear about counselors and the idea of you needing help, but I managed. I actually liked to talk to a stranger. I didn’t feel judged or unhappy. To this day, I still seek counseling, it helps! It puts things into perspective, and I now feel as though I live in the present. This was no easy task.

Let’s talk with timelines. That word holds a different meaning to me now. Can we really place a timeline on our life? Sometimes I wish I knew when my last day on this earth would be but that is not possible. That would take away the beauty of life. I wouldn’t enjoy it the way I do now. From the diagnosis to now, I am totally a different person. My mindset has changed completely. From feeling scared and lost to expressing myself more openly and freely, even writing articles, lol!

I will always be grateful to Elephants and Tea for allowing me the opportunity to write for them. I don’t think I would have gotten this far without their assistance, love and support.

Presently, I am learning to grow and develop myself. I offer assistance to people in need, but I need to be in a good place mentally first. So, I watched movies, prayed and practiced yoga. I began to journal all my emotions, even on hospital trips, I was busy writing as I was too scared to listen to the other patients. I was only thirty-three years old. People were shocked to see me there doing radiation. They always thought that I was waiting for someone. I can laugh at it now.

With regards to discussions with other people, I tend to be a bit shy now because of judgement. I still get the comments; don’t you have breast cancer? I guess people are not supposed to recover from breast cancer, I am curious. But I still make an effort to speak about things like relationships, fertility, family, partner and finances. All these topics are on the minds of individuals, but it may be difficult to bring up in casual conversations.

I still feel a little uncomfortable sometimes when people talk about cancer survivors passing away. I wonder if I may be next, the survivor’s guilt and fear or recurrence are things that I have not quite gotten over as of yet. I still hear and see the whispers of coworkers about my previous diagnosis, but I am not ashamed anymore. I survived and I am proud. My tears were many and my prayers were heard. I always give thanks to all my supporters and followers who made this dream for me possible. I celebrate with you all.

After Cancer, I felt as though I was running around in circles. How do I start to rebuild? I felt like a lost puppy. Should I work? Should I get married? Should I have kids? Still so many unanswered questions. My journey to recovery is far from over. I think it has now begun. The real test here is how to remain stable when everything is shaky all around you. I miss my long-time friends; I am not sure how to start talking back to them. What do I say after so long? Sorry for all the worry that I have caused you.

Do you think they will accept me back into their circle? That is debatable. I tried to make new friends but as you age it gets harder. Starting a new job, explaining all your problems to everyone is hard. So, I keep to myself. Writing gives me so much joy. I hope one day everyone tries it at some point in their life. The expression of words, the putting of pen to paper, the typing on the keyboard is a great way of saying, I love you all and I appreciate all the support always.

What is life really like after cancer? It is the constant questions that I cannot handle anymore. Are you okay? How will you function now? Can you tell me what to do? I am not a doctor, but I can guide someone who is going through the same diagnosis. Yes, I am scared too but I try to remain calm and be normal. My biggest fear is the laughter and scorn which does happen from time to time. I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. I can’t reverse all the wrong decisions that I have made in the past.

I can’t make people love me or talk to me and I most certainly would not like people to lie to me. But I can try to move forward and push ahead to be the best version of myself. It’s about time to make it about yourself and forget all the pain and suffering that happened before. Yes, the tears and fears may be many, but you have yourself and your loved ones motivating you to survive. I take comfort knowing that strangers read my post and can empathize with me, sometimes more than friends and family. But this is the strength that you need to bring out the true you. Trust me, you will never know you have it until you are tested and pushed to the limit. Well, that’s a wrap my new friends, hope to write to you all soon!