Dearest Death

Dearest Death,

You might be wondering how it is that I could sit here and write a love letter to you. Having you hover above my head, like a dark cloud, over the last 4 years. One must be suicidal to express their love of death. But that is not what this is.

For I love you, not because I want to die, but because I want to live. I did not set my body on fire, burning through the cancer with chemotherapy, rebuilding again with my own stem cells, just to give up now. 

Can I tell you a secret? Before cancer came into my life, I never even thought about you. You never snuck in. Even when you came for other people around me. I never considered your inevitable role in my own life. In all life.

And then, all the sudden, you sweep through my mind on a daily basis. You sneak in and kiss my forehead and tuck me in at night, when I am trying to sleep. At first, you intimidated me. You kept me awake, for fear you would take me in my dreams. I wasn’t ready to accept you. I was told to fear you. And so, when I was told that you were coming for me, I couldn’t help but want to find any way I could not to meet you.

I still haven’t met you. 

So again, you may ask, how could I love you?

It is the yin and the yang of it all. I love life; therefore, I love death. You cannot have love for one without having a love for the other. You are the moon, to life’s sun. There needs to be this balance in accepting the yang of life, and yin of death, to truly appreciate the time in which we have on this round sphere of water and dirt.

I am indebted to you really. Before cancer, I lived like you barely existed, therefore you were never a threat. I jumped out of airplanes (okay just one); I scaled mountains; I hiked into the unknown repeatedly. I was mostly fearless. At least when it came to death. A feeling of immortality without being conscious of it all. 

And now, as cliché as it is, I live like I am dying. You might think that means nothing has changed. Don’t they say you become fearless at this point? But for me, it put so much into perspective.

I have accepted you are an inevitability in life. You are the constant companion at my side. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear whenever I get a little too comfortable. A little too settled in. Reminding me not to let my guard down. 

Life only dances because you stand still, watching. Waiting.

I do not fear you. I recognize you. I accept you. I have always loved the part of me that belongs to you.

With undying devotion,

Sara Alexis