Ups and Downs of Survivorship

As I celebrated my three-year cancer free anniversary, I realized just how easy it was to breathe compared to when I first became a survivor.

I still have a gut reaction to thinking about the phone call saying I was cancer free: my doctor had told me I should be so happy to be cancer free.

Instead, I was riddled with anxiety and depression. I did not recognize the person without hair in the mirror. My chest hurt so much from my double mastectomy that I could barely catch my breath. My young toddlers would reach up at me and I would tell them I had big owies, but they did not understand why mama could not pick them up. And I felt so young. I was too young for cancer and too young to be a survivor.

I sank into loneliness. Nobody could understand why I was not more happy or excited to be cancer free. In my head, I kept thinking every ache or pain was a reoccurrence. I thought my cancer would come back or it would metastasize.

I happened to stumble upon Chelsey Gomez (@ohyouresotough) Instagram page and finally felt seen. I only knew a couple of people who were cancer survivors, but they did not seem to struggle like I was struggling. I was drowning under the weight of post cancer expectations and surviving cancer did not feel happy.

Meeting more cancer survivors from around the world helped validate that how I felt was normal. That it was okay to feel upset or angry that we went through cancer. That the new normal was not always positive.

Meeting more survivors also made me feel strong enough to start advocating for better care for patients, as well as self-breast examinations. Eventually, my first October as a breast cancer survivor came and I used my Instagram page to share their very real stories. Knowing we were not alone in our survivorship struggles helped heal things in me I did not know needed to be healed.

I took a look at how I wanted to move forward after cancer in a different way. I decided to be brave and start making plans. I decided to be brave and share unfiltered truth about cancer- and post cancer life.

I realized people going through cancer treatment might not realize how hard surviving cancer can be. I started writing more and sharing more. I started making amazing connections with other cancer survivors and it felt like I found a community I should have found during treatment.

Surviving cancer started to feel less like a burden. Survivorship is a trip. I had to decide what I was passionate about again. Running meant more to me. Being a mom and going on adventures meant more to me. I felt more like I was living again and less like I was just surviving.

Around big anniversaries, I sometimes still get mad about the fact I had cancer. But three years later, I feel like I’m breathing again. I feel like I can enjoy things again. I’m finally less afraid. This is surviving cancer.