Hodgkin Lymphoma

Cancer Treatment Doesn’t End After Chemotherapy

It was March 3, 2022 and I was checking my online chart to see what was going on with me.

I went through a sonogram, a biopsy, and various other blood tests to check out the large growth on my neck. “The immunophenotypic features of the large, atypical cells are consistent with the diagnosis of classic Hodgkin lymphoma,” the words hit me like a train running me over at 100 miles an hour.

Fake It Until You Make It

When you see cancer portrayed in the media, there are two common storylines. Either the patient is dying, or they are living their “best life” despite it all.

I Didn’t Expect to Live

Expectations.

I expected to live a long, healthy life without wondering if I’ll reach my thirtieth birthday.

I expected not to lie awake tonight, stunned and saddened because Alex is gone.

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,

you probably don’t remember me.
you’ve probably seen a million kids since you met me.
there are thousands of kids that they couldn’t save,

Dear Cancer, Isn’t It Ironic?

Dear Cancer,

Read those two words again, isn’t it ironic? “Dear cancer.” Two words that should never be side by side, but here they are placed together so carelessly and yet also intentionally.

I Walked A Thousand Miles

I walked a thousand miles away from home—
IV stands and frozen steps
Dicarbozene and overcast skies
With you, the uninvited.

Dear Cancer, I am Sick of You

Dear Cancer,

Here we go again, Cancer. To be honest, I am sick of talking about you. I am exhausted by my unwanted lifetime membership in the “Cancer Club.” Nearly six years into this, it feels like my whole life has been intertwined with your presence.

An Open Letter to My Cancer, Dirty Gertie 

Dear Cancer (a.k.a. Dirty Gertie),

I hope this letter finds you unwell. More accurately, I assume—with fingers crossed—that this letter finds you dead and gone. Unfortunately, my total confidence in your demise has been restricted by a single, nagging whisper that constantly threatens: “What if it comes back?”

Dear Matt

Dear Matt,

If you are reading this, it means that I am not going to die anytime soon. Sorry.

Survivorship is Hard

Survivorship is hard. It never goes away. You always live a bit on the edge, wondering what will happen next. Or even if you’re going to make it through the day. I’m by myself. Live by myself, drive by myself, flying solo (to the shock of the friendly Costco lady today). If I didn’t respond to any messages and wasn’t online for 24 hours my coworkers Daniel and Savannah would check in on me. But that’s a long time.